A comment on Maslow, Love Languages and Relationships
This page contains sections of text from wikipedia and google; they are used not to gain an advantage but to continue a conversation. This is a rough note and is not a complete original work. It serves as a bookmark for further work however the concept is an idea of original work published online in 2016 with rights reserved by the Author.
FROM THE INTERNET: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory in psychology proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper “A Theory of Human Motivation” in Psychological Review Maslow subsequently extended the idea to include his observations of humans’ innate curiosity. His theories parallel many other theories of human developmental psychology, some of which focus on describing the stages of growth in humans. Maslow used the terms “physiological”, “safety”, “belongingness” and “love”, “esteem”, “self-actualization”, and “self-transcendence” to describe the pattern that human motivations generally move through.
FROM THE AUTHOR: It is essential that we understand how the hierarchy works, because part of this ramble says that relationships (business or intimate) can only survive if there is a complete match and agreement between all parties as to what level of the pyramid the relationship functions on. That is it is quite possible for a relationship to function for an extended period, even if it only meets lower level needs, or cherry picks higher order needs. Where there is a mismatch in the expectation of meeting these needs inside the relationship, then failure is most certain.
The Hierarchy
FROM THE INTERNET: Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid with the largest, most fundamental levels of needs at the bottom and the need for self-actualization at the top. While the pyramid has become the de facto way to represent the hierarchy, Maslow himself never used a pyramid to describe these levels in any of his writings on the subject.
FROM THE INTERNET: The most fundamental and basic four layers of the pyramid contain what Maslow called “deficiency needs” or “d-needs”: esteem, friendship and love, security, and physical needs. If these “deficiency needs” are not met – with the exception of the most fundamental (physiological) need – there may not be a physical indication, but the individual will feel anxious and tense. Maslow’s theory suggests that the most basic level of needs must be met before the individual will strongly desire (or focus motivation upon) the secondary or higher level needs. Maslow also coined the term “metamotivation” to describe the motivation of people who go beyond the scope of the basic needs and strive for constant betterment.
FROM THE INTERNET: The human mind and brain are complex and have parallel processes running at the same time, thus many different motivations from various levels of Maslow’s hierarchy can occur at the same time. Maslow spoke clearly about these levels and their satisfaction in terms such as “relative,” “general,” and “primarily.” Instead of stating that the individual focuses on a certain need at any given time, Maslow stated that a certain need “dominates” the human organism. Thus Maslow acknowledged the likelihood that the different levels of motivation could occur at any time in the human mind, but he focused on identifying the basic types of motivation and the order in which they should be met.
1) Physiological needs
FROM THE INTERNET: Physiological needs are the physical requirements for human survival. If these requirements are not met, the human body cannot function properly and will ultimately fail. Physiological needs are thought to be the most important; they should be met first.
FROM THE INTERNET: Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct.
2) Safety needs
FROM THE INTERNET: With their physical needs relatively satisfied, the individual’s safety needs take precedence and dominate behavior. In the absence of physical safety – due to war, natural disaster, family violence, childhood abuse, etc. – people may (re-)experience post-traumatic stress disorder or transgenerational trauma. In the absence of economic safety – due to economic crisis and lack of work opportunities – these safety needs manifest themselves in ways such as a preference for job security, grievance procedures for protecting the individual from unilateral authority, savings accounts, insurance policies, reasonable disability accommodations, etc. This level is more likely to be found in children because they generally have a greater need to feel safe.
3) Love and belonging
FROM THE INTERNET: After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third level of human needs is interpersonal and involves feelings of belongingness. This need is especially strong in childhood and can override the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents. Deficiencies within this level of Maslow’s hierarchy – due to hospitalism, neglect, shunning, ostracism, etc. – can impact the individual’s ability to form and maintain emotionally significant relationships in general, such as:
FROM THE INTERNET: According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among their social groups, regardless whether these groups are large or small. For example, some large social groups may include clubs, co-workers, religious groups, professional organizations, sports teams, and gangs. Some examples of small social connections include family members, intimate partners, mentors, colleagues, and confidants. Humans need to love and be loved – both sexually and non-sexually – by others. Many people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression in the absence of this love or belonging element. This need for belonging may overcome the physiological and security needs, depending on the strength of the peer pressure.
4) Esteem
FROM THE INTERNET: All humans have a need to feel respected; this includes the need to have self-esteem and self-respect. Esteem presents the typical human desire to be accepted and valued by others. People often engage in a profession or hobby to gain recognition. These activities give the person a sense of contribution or value. Low self-esteem or an inferiority complex may result from imbalances during this level in the hierarchy. People with low self-esteem often need respect from others; they may feel the need to seek fame or glory. However, fame or glory will not help the person to build their self-esteem until they accept who they are internally. Psychological imbalances such as depression can hinder the person from obtaining a higher level of self-esteem or self-respect.
FROM THE INTERNET: Most people have a need for stable self-respect and self-esteem. Maslow noted two versions of esteem needs: a “lower” version and a “higher” version. The “lower” version of esteem is the need for respect from others. This may include a need for status, recognition, fame, prestige, and attention. The “higher” version manifests itself as the need for self-respect. For example, the person may have a need for strength, competence, mastery, self-confidence, independence, and freedom. This “higher” version takes precedence over the “lower” version because it relies on an inner competence established through experience. Deprivation of these needs may lead to an inferiority complex, weakness, and helplessness.
5) Self-actualization
FROM THE INTERNET: “What a man can be, he must be.” This quotation forms the basis of the perceived need for self-actualization. This level of need refers to what a person’s full potential is and the realization of that potential. Maslow describes this level as the desire to accomplish everything that one can, to become the most that one can be. Individuals may perceive or focus on this need very specifically. For example, one individual may have the strong desire to become an ideal parent. In another, the desire may be expressed athletically. For others, it may be expressed in paintings, pictures, or inventions. As previously mentioned, Maslow believed that to understand this level of need, the person must not only achieve the previous needs, but master them.
5+) Self-transcendence
FROM THE INTERNET: In his later years, Maslow explored a further dimension of needs, while criticizing his own vision on self-actualization. The self only finds its actualization in giving itself to some higher goal outside oneself, in altruism and spirituality.
Further discussion
FROM THE AUTHOR: There is also a significant body of work around love languages. It would imply that these only exist in the love and belonging area; but I propose that there is far more cross over than that. Given above that we stated that relationship only exist if parties agree on what level (or levels) of the hierarchy they will interact with each other, then the love languages are able to exist on those tiers only.
FROM THE INTERNET: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 book by Gary Chapman. It outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls “love languages”: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch (intimacy). Chapman’s book claims that the list of five love languages is exhaustive. Chapman argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love and uses the metaphor of a ‘love tank’ to explain peoples’ need to be loved. He also writes that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive. Each person has one primary and one secondary love language. Chapman suggests that to discover a love language, one must observe the way they express love to others, analyze what they complain about most often, and what they request from their significant other most often. People tend to naturally give love in the way that they prefer to receive love. It is also possible to find another person’s love language by asking those same questions. Chapman suggests that peoples’ love languages do not change over time, but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways. Since 1995, Chapman has written several books related to The Five Love Languages, including The Five Love Languages of Children in 1997 and The Five Love Languages for Singles in 2004.
FROM THE AUTHOR: Some languages however are unable to exist in some layers,
“physiological” acts of service / physical touch
“safety” physical touch / quality time / gifts
“love and belonging” acts of service / physical touch / quality time / gifts / words of affirmation
“esteem” quality time / gifts / words of affirmation
“self-actualization” words of affirmation
FROM THE AUTHOR: This lends to a simple linking that the love languages are similar to the hierarchy
physiological = acts of service
safety = physical touch
love & belonging = quality time
esteem = gifts
self-actualization = words of affirmation
Keys
FROM THE INTERNET: The earliest known lock and key device was discovered in the ruins of Nineveh, the capital of ancient Assyria. Locks such as this were later developed into the Egyptian wooden pin lock, which consisted of a bolt, door fixture, and key. When the key was inserted, pins within the fixture were lifted out of drilled holes within the bolt, allowing it to move. When the key was removed, the pins fell part-way into the bolt, preventing movement.
FROM THE INTERNET: The warded lock was also present from antiquity and remains the most recognizable lock and key design in the Western world. The first all-metal locks appeared between the years 870 and 900, and are attributed to the English craftsmen. It is also said that the key was invented by Theodore of Samos in the 6th century BC.
FROM THE INTERNET: Affluent Romans often kept their valuables in secure boxes within their households, and wore the keys as rings on their fingers. The practice had two benefits: It kept the key handy at all times, while signaling that the wearer was wealthy and important enough to have money and jewelry worth securing.
FROM THE AUTHOR: In a relationship, the couple is somewhat like a lock and key. As time goes on, parts of the lock and key do get worn away, but it make that particular lock and key set all the more individually linked to each other. Other keys are not compatible and the key in the couple is not able to be used in another lock. There may be some resentment in the couple as to the rounding out of edges, but it should be seen as a chosen path.
Compromise
FROM THE INTERNET: To compromise is to make a deal between different parties where each party gives up part of their demand. In arguments, compromise is a concept of finding agreement through communication, through a mutual acceptance of terms—often involving variations from an original goal or desires.
FROM THE AUTHOR: In a military term, compromise is often a very negative outcome as termed in “our position has been compromised” or “the integrity of the ship’s hull has been compromised”. Some will avoid the term for this reason, but it is none the less an appropriate convenient term to convey a mediated point of view.
FROM THE INTERNET: Extremism is often considered as antonym to compromise, which, depending on context, may be associated with concepts of balance and tolerance. In the negative connotation, compromise may be referred to as capitulation, referring to a “surrender” of objectives, principles, or material, in the process of negotiating an agreement. In human relationships, “compromise” is frequently said to be an agreement with which no party is happy because the parties involved often feel that they either gave away too much or that they received too little.
FROM THE AUTHOR: as you go up through the pyramids, is perhaps am indication of cash and social standings and maybe linked to the area of concern for the day is perhaps cash / social standing . I offer another line, perpendicular to the side of the pyramid. And I say that ts gets more complex in the decision the further you go. The little triangles of love, respect and Trust grow and overlap to other issues / across the hierarchy . as you go away perpendicular from right axis it moves from simple to complex.
Pink rooms
FROM THE INTERNET: A gentlemen’s agreement or gentleman’s agreement is an informal and legally non-binding agreement between two or more parties. It is typically oral, though it may be written, or simply understood as part of an unspoken agreement by convention or through mutually beneficial etiquette. The essence of a gentlemen’s agreement is that it relies upon the honor of the parties for its fulfillment, rather than being in any way enforceable. It is, therefore, distinct from a legal agreement or contract, which can be enforced if necessary.
FROM THE AUTHOR: My final point of view here is the pink room debate. In this scenario, a couple paint a room pink, at the completion one states that they do not like the colour. Well in this story, both parties obviously discussed painting the room, drove to the hardware store, selected paint together, prepped the walls and covered it in the chosen colour. There were plenty of stages that the plan could have been re-negotiated, but both parties continued as implicit supporters of the painting project, neither should assert any high ground to retrospectively state the failings of the project choices.
Post Script
Maslov: revised for the Social Media Generation
FROM THE AUTHOR: As you go up it is perhaps wealth or social standing that is marked in your general quality of life. I would like to introduce another axis to the model; that is to paint a perpendicular axis from the right side of the pyramid with each Maslovian layer preserved. As you go away perpendicular from right axis it moves from simple and strong to a thin but complex model in order to get each of these needs met. That is a job may fulfill one or many of the layers but potentially only in a simple way. Whereas family and interest groups may meet these needs on a more complex yet more fragile way. This is just an example as some people may get different needs from different sources.
FROM THE AUTHOR: In summary, Maslov is still supported by what I am saying, just that in a changing face of social interaction we need to be able to not only map these needs in a built up hierarchy, but assess the strength of these matches across our different social groups.
FROM THE AUTHOR: Many that rely on the internet for interaction with selfies, posts and online comments, would be seen by a traditional Maslovian to be rather high up the pyramid, assuming that lower levels were met. However, they have a very superficial match in the higher levels and may have serious gaps in lower tiers that have not been met.